The main story is of parental alienation and how our daughter is used as a weapon, her life totally destroyed, therapist dragged into her life, her being bullied at school because Mum has made her a vulnerable target and the school has aided in this by pandering to Mum after hearing only one side of events and believing all they have been informed and then add to the group of people or groups treating the alienated targeted parent like a criminal or some type of monster.
You have to be very sound of mind to deal with this or live like this as the frustrations of knowing the truth but not being able to get it across to anyone in authority is devastating internally and if not strong enough you end up like so many by having complete break downs or doing the unimaginable or unthinkable.
I’ll drift off here back to many years ago. Since being stuck in the family court and being denied a relationship with little one, the sad story of a mate from my early teenage years plays on my mind because the last time I saw him I didn’t realise the absolute pain and inner turmoil he was obviously going through the last time we spoke due to being denied his own children after splitting with their mum. I’ll change his name and just call him Bill as I have no permission or the right to tell his story and only know what he told me and the sketchy details about the final event after it happened. We was at a party for a relatives birthday, during the evening Bill arrived with someone else. Now like many of my friends from our younger days, I’d either lost contact or cut them out of my life when with Mum. Bill was just someone id lost contact with over the years, this particular night he made a beeline for me as he didn’t know many at the party.
He had obviously been drinking heavily and had something weighing him down as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders and this showed in the sadness in his eyes. The same look an old friend whom I haven’t seen for years has recently told me is hidden behind my eyes. It’s funny how I noticed this but never took no notice if that makes sense, maybe just passed it off as the effects of what ever he had taken or drink. As the evening passed we had a good reminisce about life and what each other had been up to. Then sitting in the corner in deep drunken conversation, him being more intoxicated as he’d been drinking all day, I asked what was bothering him as he kept staring off into space with a vacant look and the sorrow in his eyes obvious. He ignored my remark at first and carried on talking about when we were teens and a couple of weekends away we had.
Then Mid conversation as if reminded of something he blurts out
“ she’s a Bitch john “
“ who Bill?”
“ my ex, we’ve split up she won’t let me see the kids, haven’t seen them for months I’ve nearly lost everything and no one can understand how much it kills Me, the pain is unbearable” as far as I remember they had been together a lifetime like Mum and I but the difference being they were childhood sweethearts.
Being rather intoxicated myself I didn’t really take much notice of this sad story and just listened believing it to be drunken talk, he began telling me how he done anything possible in an attempt to shut it and the pain out.
“ you know what , I do anything nowadays”
“ what do you mean Bill, anything”
“ well apart from the drink, I take anything that helps me reach oblivion and I mean real oblivion every day if someone offers me a pill or a line i’d do it not caring what it was, it could be a fucking horse tranquilizer and I’d take it mate, if it’s not offered I go searching for it. I don’t care as long as I’m totally out of it to try to forget my problems and the thought of not seeing my kids “
Now bare in mind at the time I had a good life, was in love with my beautiful wife, 3 lovely boys, a daughter and a good job giving us the ability to live how we wished, oh and we was at a party so meant to be enjoying ourselves. Looking back, I didn’t sadly take much notice. The subject finally changed and the drinking continued after him on the verge of complete breakdown, struggling to compose himself and sobbing quietly whilst telling me what his ex had been doing, the signs of alienation shining through with each word he spoke, the same nonsense as the children and I’ve had to endure the past two years and how much seeing the kids hurt every waking moment. Shamefully, not being able to understand or imagine the pain. I just said the usual trivial comments I’ve heard myself from so many people or friends the past two years including a manager working for CAFCASS say it during a meeting “ don’t worry mate it will sort itself out” or “ the kids will come back to you when they realise what she’s doing or are old enough”
Now I know personally these people or friends that say these things have the best intentions in mind but really would not have the slightest clue or be able to comprehend how much the pain of losing a child that lives a mile away hurts and how much hearing comments like these just add to the pain and inner torment that you try to hide from the outside world. Because now I know exactly what Bill was going through at that point in his life.
I’ve been that low I’ve had the deep dark thoughts that are a constant itch in the depths and darkest recesses of your mind the thoughts about wishing the now twisted mother of my kids who I loved, adored for twenty-three years and would have definitely taken a bullet for or jumped in front of a bus to protect would now drop dead of a horrendous disease or just disappear from the planet for eternity, not thoughts of murder just you selfishly think these thoughts because you know everyone’s life would be easier and the future years of relentless unstoppable Unnecessary conflict would end instantly, if you ever read this Mum or my children, I am sorry but I’ve had them and even though they are brief passing thoughts it’s all part of the situation I’ve been placed in.
Then you remember the kids and the impact this would have on the rest of their lives, after all I chose her to be the mother of my children and even now after two years of what can only be explained as hatred towards me I still find myself buying her flowers on mother’s day because the boys don’t get her anything and then we have to pretend the boys paid for them because you know even though it’s only flowers and I’ve made the boys give them to her she will In some way try to use it against you and have you locked up for harassment or some such nonsense because the vindictiveness and desperate thoughts of hurting you for being happy is overwhelming her everyday life, you know without a doubt you are the subject of her ever waking thoughts and she is obsessed with destroying you.
You think these thoughts because after 23 years together, you know her so well , better than anyone even her own parents and You just know she s going to sadly be this twisted and keep trying to alienate the kids from you for the rest of your life and wont stop until she’s destroyed you for reasons only she knows because no one else can explain her actions and then you begin to wonder why on earth you loved her in the first place because now you are just complete strangers with the same chapters in the history book of life and how on earth you could have been blinded to what lay dormant just beneath the surface so long. Since parting so many friends and neighbours have informed me there has always been something there that I was blinded to and always steered themselves away, made their excuses and left when she appeared even if they were mid conversation with me and had been for ages. And she proved this over and over since her issues began after leaving. She’s lied to absolutely everyone; friends, court, cafcass, the police, the children and her own family who haven’t the slightest clue what’s been happening really and she has no shame or morals when doing this in an attempt to discredit and destroy the father of her children whilst playing the victim so well.
Then there’s the thoughts of killing myself during the quiet desperate moments alone in the early hours of the morning, normally before the rest of the world is awake just to put an immediate end to the pain and destruction in your kids and your life. Unnecessary destruction caused by what I first believed to be pure jealousy of a family friend and seeing her as a threat because little one doted on her but it can’t just be this, this was the fuse that ignited her rage and fury even though two years later she still has underlying issues and the odd snide rude comments towards the friend then once this fuse was lit it has become unachievable to extinguish.
Combine this with bitterness or the returning psychological issues she suffered from a couple of years ago after little one was born who knows what they are caused by or why any parent would alienate a child without a genuine reason and no safe guarding issues of the child but she’s already admitted she’s told the police “ I’m a good dad, she has no worries about the kids being with me and she was the violent one” so then the thoughts turn a different corner or catch a different train of thought, perhaps little one is the root cause of her issues because she definitely stole all my attention from Mum and her limelight for seven years as it was little one and I every waking moment together except when not working or at school and she begged over and over to live with me daily for those first 4 months when Mum first left to continue yet another affair.
In my life there was always two Mums the one that loved a selfie photo with little one for social media and the show of being a doting mother when people around and the real one that had no patience for her, never played with her, never helped with homework, never read bedtime stories, refused to join us when going out and continuously rang me at work hysterically at least once a week the last few years pleading with me to come home because she was terrified quote:
“please get home Now, I’m going to hurt your bitch of a daughter and terrified I’m going to actually kill her john, I’m not fucking about I’m really scared I’m seriously going to hurt her I’m so scared !“
these were her words not mine now bearing in mind twenty-three years together her spending over half her life with me, she was surrounded by male family members, was forever envious and caused trouble if I spoke to anyone she presumed I thought were prettier than her, friends, neighbours or even passing strangers so just maybe little one, my precious princess and the strength of the bond between us was the spark that ignited something dormant deeper within her because it never really revealed itself until little one was a couple of years old and then the happy pills and sessions with a therapist were prescribed for the feelings she couldn’t shake off for a couple of years that were causing her psychological problems or maybe it was absolutely nothing to do with little one at all and I’m imagining that due to timing or coincidence and had something more to do with her own upbringing.
She told me everything over the years, we knew Each other inside out or at least I thought we did and thinking back she always declared she couldn’t wait to get away from her parents, so a bad upbringing maybe, lack of love and relationship from the parents, having no rules as a child, being allowed to go clubbing at the age of 13 drinking and taking drugs, being a nightmare and always in trouble at school and out playing, having a baby at a young age taking away a big part of her own childhood, these are her stories that she told me and I’d heard over and over throughout the years and not my thoughts or maybe I’m surmising and it’s just purely trying to alienate me from the children because of The friend after all and she seems terrified I’m going to try to replace her with someone as mum or maybe just because the family got away with the complete and total alienation of the father of her first child previously with years of the same allegations and fabrications without a problem because he chose to walk away or thought he didn’t stand a chance at such a young age.
Me walking away from my children, giving up on them and giving up on justice being served or committing suicide to end all; No chance ever, one parent destroying your children’s lives is enough without them having to live with the fact that the alienating parent drove the other away, having thoughts dad didn’t love them enough to fight or to kill himself is unthinkable because it’s not just little one, even though her and the boys don’t speak for months at a time when she drives them away with her actions, when I persuade them to see her or they miss the baby sister so much because they aren’t allowed to see her so they have to see mum to see their sister. Each and every time they do venture to see her she takes every single opportunity she can to attempt to alienate the boys from me. Sometimes it works for days or hours maybe a week but never lasts much longer than this because they’ve had to live with and witness her crap since she left as well, they know deep down I’ve done nothing wrong but a narcissist fools their victims so well and the boys are just more victims in her private war against me and her Course of Conduct to deliberately destroy me.
Your probably reading this and thinking about now that I’m trying to make myself look like an angel, no I’m not, far from it I’m sadly just telling it how it happens and stating the facts.
The thoughts run wild especially when you know the narcissistic custodial parent has major anger issues and is very capable of hurting your child and you’re no longer there to intervene or protect them like you have done so many times in the past but these thoughts are erratic, a 1001 scenarios running through your head at the same time fighting for space to grow and send you entirely insane.
I can only guess being totally deprived a relationship with a child by someone who has unfounded issues that cause them to hate you more than they love their own children is similar to having a child disappear forever without knowing where they are or have them die but having no corpse to bury and grieve over. Then that pain is made worse by being stuck in a system, family court that is so corrupt it is a very dark heart wrenching place to be With total strangers who have only met you for half an hour twice given the power to make life destroying decisions adding their own lies or omitting the genuine facts and evidence because you inadvertently upset them with a comment about their unprofessional conduct then complained about them and you know the whole system is flawed and not fit for purpose and there is nothing you can do about it adding to the unbearable torment.
It’s not just your children and your story it’s thousands upon thousands of children and parents story and they are so similar you cannot comprehend how the system has survived or got away with it so long without it ever making headline news apart from a couple of stories about a couple of fellas dressed as super heroes fourteen years ago climbing high-profile roof tops to high light the failures.
And then all those years ago when the press and tv started to tell the story of an alienated fathers , the system attempted to destroy them personally and issued a D Notice to the press, meaning they could no longer report on these stories. what’s a D Notice you may ask.
This is where reporting restrictions are made, gagging the press in cases of a national emergency.
What the hell can be a national emergency created by the truth coming out about family court apart from the nation’s public disgust and the money making machine of a system being bought to light and destroyed.
You wake up at silly o clock every bloody single day and so far as I write this i’ve had 990 of them, the first thing on your mind is your child or children, knowing what you are going through daily as well as what you have to deal with is painful enough as an adult but for a child the emotional and psychological abuse must be tenfold worse or you continuously worry because on top of this you know and witnessed with your own eyes and from what your son has witnessed and admitted to you your daughter is attacked violently and sent to bed screaming for just mentioning you or The friend then you also wonder if she’s going to succeed one day with her blatant lies to the police to have you incarcerated.
All this , For what !
Because you got happy shortly after they left and then begged her to go away, be happy and leave you alone because it was her who chose to leave because she couldn’t keep her knickers up around her hips where they belonged whilst you was at work and she admitted this 3 or 4 times since, quote
“ it was easy for him to get in my knickers john because he was nice to me”
well blow me darling lots of women were nice to me and still are it doesn’t mean I couldn’t resist dropping my pants and dancing the Fandango.
you have these thoughts daily and they never really go away but you have two choices and the choices are either let the situation make or break you so as I do you put on a smile, brave the world that’s totally changed because before a one-sided acrimonious divorce and the implacable hostility you believed in truth, honour and justice and now you know the whole monster the system has created is as corrupt as hell and it beats you down and silences you with threats of incarceration and denying you a relationship with your own flesh and blood or removing everything in your life you’ve worked for.
All this for telling the truth or fighting against its tide of injustice but you hide these thoughts away and struggle on with life-like an actor playing a part in a play and behind that false persona you just deal with it as best you can or like Bill, I’m guessing you just let it consume you until it eats away at the very fabric of your soul and becomes too much to bare , your mind becomes fragile and turns in on itself and the deepest darkest thoughts evolve into a hideous nightmare that makes Freddy Kruger look like Fred Flintstone and like Bill or the thousands of others worldwide you only see one inevitable end and do the unimaginable and take your own life.
Writing this part of my story reminds me of a short tale I read, an old Cherokee and the tail of two wolves author unknown it’s not quite the same but it’s what thoughts you feed that evolve :-
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
Statistics show 84 men a week in the UK take their own lives due to mental health, depression, a number of untold reasons and feeding the wrong wolf ; that’s 84 a week, not a month or a year, a week. It makes you wonder how many of them are in the same impossible situation that you find yourself in, that Bill found himself in through no fault of your or their own apart from having children with a Narcissistic or Machiavellian alienating custodial parent and the system making it so easy for them to manipulate and do it unhindered and they are encouraged or rewarded for their pretence.
It was probably a few weeks or maybe a couple of months after our meeting at that party that I heard the tragic end to Bills story, sadly he like so many others must have fed the wrong wolf . I don’t know the exact details but from what I have heard he was alone and must have been in a very disturbed dark space with the way he sadly or perhaps bravely / cowardly chose to take his life to end his torture. A torture and inner turmoil that I like thousands of others in the UK endure daily, a pain that is the one and only constant in your life. Its overwhelming and exhausting when dealing with a narcissistic ex partner that is now the horrendous evil parent denying you contact with a once loving child and knowing they are brainwashing that child or children daily and using them as a weapon to destroy you deliberately but the real pain is knowing that the child / ren are probably going through the same pain and emotional abuse as you with the same horrendous thoughts destroying their mental state from deep within and you cannot do anything to resolve the situation or halt the deliberate damage and cruelty being carried out. Courts, CAFCASS, the police or social services would not have the slightest inkling of what this pain amounts to and don’t seem to care. And the system doesn’t care in the slightest about the people like Bill who can only see one way out to stop the pain and anguish, they just become collateral damage and statistics deliberately swept under the carpet and hidden from society to cover the corruption that is rife in secret family court and they use the excuse “in the name of protecting the children” to do this and deprive the public of the truth because if the truth was made public the world would be horrified.
The pain in Bills story didn’t occur to me immediately until I woke up at 4 Am one morning and the whole event of the party and the conversation we had overwhelmed me for some reason as if it had just occurred, the moment I opened my eyes with tears streaming down my cheeks. The tears not just for Bill but every child and parent put through this situation by alienating parents and family court.
Strangely or coincidently, about six months after waking up like this I bumped into Bills sister and brother-in-law whilst watching a band in a local pub. I didn’t really know Bills sister but knew her husband. Bill came into the conversation as I was introduced to her, as I offered my condolences even though years too late I immediately felt guilty and apologised , she smiled and thanked me and that afternoon we ended up raising many a few glasses to him whilst listening and bad dad dancing to the band playing tunes he apparently loved. Later that evening as they left she thanked me again and said it was always lovely someone remembering her brother and telling her tales she’d never heard.
The other thing I remember is Bills story or actions didn’t even make the local papers as far as I know which is sad because stories regarding someone being found guilty and fined for dropping litter or some such trivial crap are very common but sad stories about injustice in the system are censored, gagged and hidden from public scrutiny.
BILL RIP I know your pain my friend and wished I’d listened my old mate x
Now as anyone knows there are always two sides to any story, the lies and fabrications or the truth and I’d only briefly heard one side of Bills story hence can only tell his story as i’d heard it. From what I know from the brief conversation with Bill it sounds similar to my circumstances but maybe there was more to their story then he told me, then again maybe there wasn’t. I don’t know who else was involved in Bills case or whether they were involved with the same Not fit for purpose organisations that have been dragged into our case but I will say if they were involved I can understand Bills pain even more.
I know the type of torment he must have been going through at that particular time in his life I still Think its maybe a cowardly selfish thing to do, his kids had lost a father due to one evil alienating parent, I don’t know how long for or why but now they have to live with the fact their father wasn’t strong enough to continue fighting to be in their life, no one can comprehend, well I can’t the long-term effect this will have on the rest of their lives. Do they hate him, do they hate mum, do they hate the world and will they rebel and let events of their already destroyed childhood completely destroy their adult lives and the lives of their own children if they have any or already have. No one should have to endure that as a child or have to spend their lives knowing daddy killed himself because of mummy.
In our case I have tried keeping everyone and any outside groups out of our story so far therefore it’s impossible for the truth to be heard but :-
(Narcissist are excellent actors / actresses. They really know how to give a performance and people are memorized by their fake charm and apparent innocence. They leave their victims deflated , bewildered and confused.
It’s hard to change people’s perception of a narcissist because they are so convincing in playing the victim and tainting you as the abuser.) Author unknown
Now Mum has mastered this and has everyone concerned believing her with a few crocodile tears at the appropriate times. Those that have known us as a couple for years see right through this but those that don’t know us fall for it hook line and sinker.
Fuck me I fell for it twenty-three years ago believing she was this poor downtrodden abused young lady at the hands of my stepson’s father and her parents helped by feeding me the same nonsense and false allegations about him. Which I guess they are probably feeding her new husband and his family now, of course it’s far too late to change that as you cannot rewrite history can you ?
The stories I hear about myself though sometimes make me wonder whether I have a doppelgänger or I live in a parallel universe. It’s lucky I don’t particularly care what other people think or believe because my boys my family and I know the truth and life is far too short to worry about others. If anyone believes the fabrications and stories about me it just proves they are not worthy of being true friends or those that believe the court have denied me access so far so I must have done something awful wouldn’t have a clue of the corruption within and how false allegations within the system works .
Like I said earlier when first denied access I believed in justice and truth, when reading other stories from those who’ve been through family court, I myself thought you liars you must have done something for a judge to say no contact and no doubt many that know us must be thinking the same.
Wow was I so far from the truth because at the moment I’m denied access based on false allegations and the pathetic idea that begging for contact with your own child is classed as Domestic violence and the false allegations have no evidence to verify them, my overwhelming evidence has never been viewed in the court arena in two years and finally based on the recommendation of a scheming court advisor from CAFCASS who is proving to be untouchable as within CAFCASS lying is acceptable and advisors can deny and omit evidence and then compose reports full of lies and misinterpretations based on personal feelings destroying children s lives and denying them relationships with innocent loving parents even when you have proof of their corruptness it is hushed up and still denied.
managers agree with you in private meetings or during phone calls but won’t commit themselves to telling the truth or helping . At the most recent meeting with a manager, the same manager that has told me he finds it highly strange that our FCA has not mentioned the violence towards little one and I in her reports to the court is now telling me the alienation of little one from me will backfire on Mum and little one will come back to me one day and hate her mother because he’s seen it time and again.
Now to me this just proves he has obviously seen that our case is parental alienation or seen hundreds of others all so similar but he wont admit it officially because this will prove CAFCASS and his colleague , a family court advisor has failed in their duty of care to little one and this would have repercussions or maybe make them all look bad as he’s her manager and it’s happened on his watch. The only reason I can think they do this is to protect their own comfortable jobs and lives knowing they will be probably targeted by senior management like I’m guessing the first manager I spoke to, Gemma was for telling me what to do next the first time I complained so many months ago.
Parental Alienation is absolutely rife and they fail to admit it exists. If a parent has to enter the family court system to attempt access to their children, the alienation has already began unless there are genuine safeguarding reasons.
CAFCASS and the family court call this implacable hostility or high conflict between parents. The only reason there is high conflict is because one parents major issues with the other are greater than the love of the children. The children are used as weapons and this then creates the so-called high conflict, obvious common sense really but if common sense was used by these so called professionals, cases wouldn’t be protracted and there would be no need for them. So lacking common sense and blatantly ignoring and omitting evidence destroys lives but keeps them employed I suppose.
In our case all was amicable for four months with 50 / 50 shared care of little one in place and agreed via solicitors at the outset. Mum became jealous and enraged at our friendship with The family friend and knew the only way she could hurt me was stopping contact. Her destroying our children’s lives in the process of her Course of Conduct is just collateral damage to her and she couldn’t care less because her narcissistic tendencies are so strong , nothing is ever her fault. When I discussed her actions with a mental health therapist, that came to the conclusion that she is so enraged and angry at her self for whatever reason and this is why she does it maybe guilt or just hatred of the fact I begged her to go away and wished her luck.